Just a moment to do "The Happy Dance" in my mind...

...since I no longer have the energy to do it for real ... he he!

So... um... guess what I found on Teh Intrawebz?

Don't try.
You'll never get it.



I can buy it by the jar and not the case ... whoo hoo hoo!

This stuff is bright green and slightly sweet and a great favorite of summer, childhood and grilled hot dogs.

Going now to order The Nom-Nom!

Whoo hoo hoo!

...eat...I may actually eat something...
Spoot ... just ... spoot.

I just have one question for God...

... or the Universe or whatever it is you believe in ...

When the HELL are you gonna ease up on this family?


Cause it's Official now - my brother has cancer.

Gee ... thanks.

Luckily his is early enough that they can do surgery and get all of it out. He was told to expect a complete cure and recovery. Jeff meets with the surgeon tomorrow and will probably have the surgery next month. I told him if he hadn't planned on the surgery I would have knocked him silly, duct-taped him and dragged his sorry ass to the operating room.

But still...

When do the anvils stop falling?

Cancer Sucks

Now on to the More Serious Stuff...

I am back on my usual chemotherapy protocol. I got a call last night from my doctor's office that they wanted to see me this morning. Oh great - thinks me - What the hell did Moffitt tell them? Well, they had not yet heard from Moffitt but they wanted to get me back on track. And that is not necessarily a bad thing. So here are the bad things...

I am losing weight at the rate of nearly 5 pounds per week and that is Not A Good Thing At All. I cannot eat because everything I put in my mouth tastes like cardboard and if you don't eat, you cannot maintain weight. And maintaining weight is so important for a dying patient. There was a time when I would have killed to weigh what I weigh now but now ... eh ... not so much. So my doctor discovered the following Not So Nice Thing...

I have an infection in my mouth. Yup. I got Thrush and I feel so damn disgusting. I feel like I need to jump in the shower and scrub my damn skin off and then brush my whole mouth until it bleeds ... which being on a new and more powerful blood thinner would not be so hard. I know it is the chemotherapy which caused this as chemotherapy causes damn near everything that goes wrong with the healthy parts of your body but still... So Doctor Romero has prescribed an oral anti-fungal which should help clean out my mouth and - hopefully! - restore my sense of taste. Oh ... yeah ... and by the way ... the anti-fungal has toxicity issues but who is counting...

I also spoke with Managed Care today since I told my doctor I am not sleeping because of my worries about finances. She told me not to stress over them and promptly sent me to see the ladies in the Managed Care office. Which leads me to A Little Bit of Hope...

It seems there is an organization out there which will help with the cost of medications back to a year. I have only been diagnosed for six months. But you can only call on the first business day of the month and you can only begin calling at 11 am. I was concerned that I would not qualify because being single I make too much money but I don't. As long as you make under $75k you can qualify for a grant of up to $2000 to cover medical expenses and since my prescriptions alone are damn near $300 per month ... that would be nice. I am not counting my chickens before they hatch or hoping for a miracle but just something to get me over this Speed Bump in the Road of My Life would be nice. So guess what I am going to be doing on the first business day of next month...

And I leave for the beauty of the Adirondacks on the 21st of this month and I return on the 28th. One week of - as Angela puts it - "Merciless Pampering" ... he he! I will get to laze around her lovely garden and see the lake right down the road and see the mountains that I miss so much. Angela said that if I feel up to it, she'll drive us into Bennington - which is not that far from where she lives for a day. But whatever we do -- it is all up to me and how I feel. I don't know how I will ever be able to thank Angela and Val for the gift of the plane ticket.

I am still pretty damn sore from that vein I hit when I gave myself the injection of the blood thinner. Those new needles are HUGE! And since I am on a blood thinner, things like bruised veins take longer to heal. My digestive track is still having hissy fits -- I suppose it would help if I actually ate something ... And I think my brother's pool has my name written all over it on Sunday afternoon.

So that's it ... the icky ... the "eh... it's okay" and the little bit of hope of keeps sneaking up from the dark to keep me going. I'll probably be off-line all weekend as my shoulders are aching from all the computer work at work and they need a rest.

Hope everyone enjoys their weekend!
Le sigh

I have now sunk to "pathetic"

I am sitting here at work with a heating pad on my back. And it feels good.

But the heating pad is the same one my father used 30 years ago when he was dying.


At least it still works.


...le sigh...
Le sigh

A few of the reasons I want The Friggin' Manual.

Not that anyone ever RTFM but at this point I would read it...

1. I am going broke paying for this illness. Funny thing is a survey just came out today and people are worried they are going to go broke paying for cancer. No shit, Sherlock.

2. I have turned into a black and blue pin cushion from my new blood thinner. The needles on these syringes are HUGE! One side is swollen and bruised from ribs to pelvis because the VERY long needle hit a vein. The other side is slowly turning the same damn color.

3. I have lost way too much weight in the last few months.

4. I would like just one night where I can sleep through the damn night. Even the Xanax doesn't allow me to sleep anymore. WAY too much stress over finances, I think.

5. I have given up everything but basic cable and I am contemplating giving up the internet connection as well. Gotta save money somewhere.

6. I think the cell phone is the next thing to go since I cannot seem to get caught up on the bill. I think it's time for a disposable, prepaid cell phone.

7. Time to start selling furniture so I can afford all the doctor visits and the medications cause even with the co-pays, my medical bills are nearly two-thirds of one paycheck per month every month. And I only get paid twice a month.

8. Stop sending me to Moffit cause they keep telling me "Sorry but because of 'blah blah blah' we cannot do anything for you. Gee ... thanks for nothing.

9. Everything just sucks at the moment but I'll get over it sooner or later. But for the moment everything just sucks.

And I am not asking for ANYTHING ... just blowing off some steam before I go psycho and take everyone around me with me into Hell.
Le sigh

Stupid question of the day...

Why hasn't anyone written a manual on how to live before dying?

I ain't worried about the dying part - I probably won't even be aware of anything at that point. Just give me oxygen and drugs and let me go.

But this living until dying thing ... Holy Crap!

Someone needs to write the friggin' Manual!
Pancreatic Cancer Patient Network

Just a few things...

First of all ... I am home. I got sprung from the hospital on Sunday afternoon. The heart doctors decided I did not need to just hang around till Monday waiting for the ultrasound technologists. So I will have the ultrasound of my heart done on an outpatient basis after...

I get back from Moffitt tomorrow. Scared? Apprehensive? Heck yeah! Especially since if I can get into the clinical trial, I have to be off any kind of chemotherapy for a whole month! Ack! That will definitely make me a cranky, crazy lady! If Moffitt cannot do anything, I am back to regular old chemo and I guess I should just roll over and play dead. Or something.

Finally... I got a VERY lovely Shiny Button in the mail yesterday! HUGE THANKS to musiquephan! She's a bit crazy but I think we already knew that!

Back to trying to find my way off the merry-go-round...